Tell me why you think you're awesome enough to be added. And yes, there is a chance I won't add you back, so deal with it.
PUBLIC. because I decided I don't really give a fuck if you read this or not. because friends only shizz is overrated and I'm better than that. because I just wanted to get your attention. I guess I don't really have to explain myself, so whatever. Shut up and scroll down and pretend like you care.
i didn't end this journal on a good note and it makes me sad when i look back on it. things are going well right now and it scares the crap out of me. i cannot wait. seventy four days. this is going to be the best summer ever. i wish i could still express myself in a non-sucky matter. waiting waiting waiting! bother bother bother? i will update again when i have something decent to say.
consider this journal dead. i thought the point of this was to be able to say whatever i wanted without people jumping to conclusions and down my throat. it's okay though, really. it's not like writing means anything to me anyway. if you have something to say about livejournal, say it via livejournal. there's a "post comment" button for a reason. leave lj drama here and don't drag it into msn/text messages/myspace, all right? i'm seriously annoyed that the things i say on the fucking internet get thrown in my face when you don't even know who/what i'm talking about. especially when this isn't the first time it's been done. oh, i guess i should apologize for being immensely stressed and fucked up right now, too. because obviously none of the shit going on in my life that i try to write about could have anything to do with this, right? of course everything i do is aimed to piss you off and has nothing at all to do with me trying to get some of the things causing my inner destruction out of me in a sad attempt to make me feel better. if no one is around for me to talk to about my collapsing world, i'm gonna fucking write about it. well, not in here, and not anymore, but that's all this fucking was. i shouldn't even have to explain myself and it's not like anyone will read this/care anyway, so fuck it. lick lick saluting was so last year anyway.
today was spent getting myself together. it's been amazing. i like being by myself because then no one else is around to let me down / get pissy with me / etc.
you know what's a fun word? hypocritical. i love it. it's just got such a pleasant ring and seems to go hand and hand with your name.
i might be ready to face this week. alone, of course, because that's just how it goes these days.
i can't stand people who lie to me.
i can't stand the way this past month has gone.
dear chicago, can i please have my best friend back soon and in one piece? sincerely, jex
i miss the way things used to be.
i find myself wishing yet again i'd never come to this god forsaken town.
i'm the lonlienest and saddest i've been since sophomore year. i feel like i have no friends, because i don't, not really. one or two people that spend most of their time being pissed off at me. and whatever, it's probably all my fault. i hate myself, so it's cool if everyone else does too. you know what is awesome, though? having an extra hour to cry myself to fucking sleep. i sound like a cliche douche bag right now and i really don't give a fuck.
still stressed. i'm gonna blow my next paycheck on this. i'm having atl withdrawls. i cannot fucking wait to see them again. their music gets me through the day, i swear. jones soda cap of the day: "drive more slowly." except screw you cap, i had a blast speeding down 49 and flirting with a car full of hot boys the other day. i need to do so much. i need to see him. i need to make sure i'm okay. i'm not. trust meeeeee. shut up. i can't believe it's already october. i can't believe this is how it all ended up. never in a million years would i have pictured this as my life. this as me. i'm such a mess. the party scene has got the best of me (and you)? i want to be happy someday. i am having such a hard time. with everything. and i don't know why. and i can't make it right. [forever seventeen.]
[Tuesday October 3rd, 2006]
so this one time while she was drunk rose shouted that she felt ugly and since then i've realized that if i only felt that way while drunk i'd be happy becauseifeeluglyeverysecondofeveryday and yes this is your time to tell me i'm shallow look at me not give a fuck actually, wait, don't look at me. but the fact that i don't give a fuck still stands. it's been a bad week/month/year.
[Wednesday September 27th, 2006]
today I fell for his wrist. his hip. his toes. this boy is good for making me unable to ditch class but terrible as far as the living part of my life is concerned. I stay convinced that if only I was prettier, smarter, skinnier...then he would notice me, talk to me, want to be around me. hell, maybe then even I would want to be around myself. he makes me want to be a better me. so that maybe I could possibly be good enough for him. I have got to get over this.
currently: stressed out of my fucking mind. tired. and tired in more than just a not getting enough sleep kind of way, even though obviously that's a part of it.
I feel stupid. and like I have no friends. I have trouble letting people be there for me when I need them. I don't even know if I'm the type of person to spill. I don't think I am. but I don't know. how can I not know myself? he asked me what kinds of things I like to do and god, I don't even fucking know. the way I am living can't be healthy. who knew I was such a mess. all the promises (lies) about how I was going to figure it all out, change...get to know the real me...zero progress, apparently. this is not how I pictured life. surprise surprise. I will not make fake promises, but I'll try to make things right.
believe. how cliche. I want to be frozen...wake me up when life doesn't suck anymore.
[Sunday September 24th, 2006]
where have you been? i don't like her.
this has been a really shitty weekend.
and starting off a new week with my best friend leaving is so not the road to a better time.
fuck.
you're right. nothing ever gets better.
[Saturday September 23rd, 2006]
SCRUBS MARATHON FTW i'm sorry, but it really doesn't get any better than zach braff and michael mcdonald in the same scene. new mad tv tonight. jackass 2 on sunday + me having a free ticket to see it = awesome. comedy central is playing the royal tenembaums soon too. luke wilson! and owen wilson and ben stiller and danny glover and bill murray and gene hackman?! yes. i haven't watched tv in like a month so this was all pretty exciting to turn it on to find. distraction is a hell of a coping mechanism.
[Friday September 22nd, 2006]
things are insane right now. i think i might have mentioned that before, but it's true.
i might be getting a second job. i don't know for sure though. but maybe. i think it would be good in the long run for a number of reasons. for example, it'd be good to work for someone other than my parents. and get an actual paycheck. also i have this backwards logic that if i am super busy all the time, i won't waste spare time as much as i do now. i will take advantage of nights off and stuff, you know? and not just waste them watching tv or on the internet. i could really use the money to start saving up to either move out asap and if i decide i really do want to go to nyu, i want to be out of here by summer and in new york. i will just go to a junior college there for a year to gain residency so i don't have to pay out of state fees. i have no idea if i will still even want to go there. we will see where these next few months take me.
jamie is leaving ridiculously soon and i'm still not ready to deal with it. i fucking hate goodbyes. and there's no way i won't cry and be a mess.
i do believe i had a lot more to say. i just don't remember what. guess it wasn't important.
umm...i think about him too much. this is terrible.
i've had it with this day. i'm turning off my sidekick, turning on my ipod, and going to bed. i don't care that it's only seven o'clock and still light out. i'm sick of not being able to get what i want. wow that was spoiled and bratty sounding. look at me (not) care. now do you understand how much he means to me?
[Monday September 18th, 2006]
i spend all of my 11:11 wishes on him. not to mention an eyelash wish here and there. i couldn't explain this if i tried. i am lost in a world of guitar solos and air instruments and slamming on the steering wheel because it's pretty much the only thing that gets me anymore. today i felt stupid. and not in an "i can laugh this silly mistake off" kind of way. just inferior. less intellectual. i had a conversation with a boy and i just can't remember ever feeling this dumb. i don't even know why. and as far as grades go, at the moment things are good. i got an a on a statistics test and a b on a history quiz. okay, and a c on an essay that i bullshitted. but that i deserved. those aren't thaaaat bad. considering hi i almost failed my senior year due to lack of caring. and now i'm trying to impress someone who's still in high school. at least i know his name now, that's progress, right? i broke out the flannel sheets yesterday. now the only thing missing is him. i really want to just be able to walk up to him and say that i'm drawn to him and i don't know why but he's the coolest person ever. and i know i won't do that. i know he'll sit in the front row tomorrow and that annoying girl will sit on the left of me and give me a dirty look every now and then. and i will go home disappointed and looking in my rearview mirror for a glimpse of his silver van. it's going to be another long week.
because the first thing i want after a shitty night at work is a guilt trip.
oh and people who start shit with me while msn says im online via sk can go to hell. dont get upset if i dont answer you, sometimes i like to have a life outside of a miniature keypad. in other news, i have to keep thinking about 9/13/06 to get through the day. sugarcult love to the max.
oh my god. last night was so unbelievably perfect. i missed them. i missed them being my favorite band. i love that i knew every single song they played. i love how i had tim's sweat on me. i love how i met them. i love how nothing could have been better than that set. that was hands down my favorite show ever. and the fillmore is a rad ass place. and did i mention i met them? and hugged marko? and we're old friends? andthisismyfavoritebandwe'retalkingaboutheresohowamazingisthat? real update later. too tired to move. waking up on the floor is love though. and totally a lyric of theirs that i screamed along to. waking up on the bathroom floor, pull myself back together just to fall once more... ahh i love how that was the closing song. and i love all the "whoa's" from that song and the acoustic set and dude, i had such a good time. i wouldn't trade that night for anything.
for some reason, every now and then, i think i deserve better. i'm sorry, but making plans to break plans is only cool when william beckett sings about it. i hope no one sees me as an unreliable person. i'd really hate that. granted i have a tendency to be right on time or five minutes late...i should work on being early. anyway. i'm over this, it's good for future reference but it's not really worth getting worked up about.
i will admit that i spend too much time thinking about him. i don't even know his name, i have no right to be so attracted to him. he seems like he'd make a great best friend and i have no idea why.
what does my friendship mean to you? what do i bring to the table that you can't find elsewhere? i don't judge anyone as harshly as i judge myself. maybe it's the 11 11 (why doesn't this thing have a colon? never mind i found it, it's alt f) updates full of scattered thoughts and fragmented sentences.
i'm trying to stay real. i'm avoiding homework and drama but it all seems to be catching up. i feel like digging out my most beat up converse and going running. i swear that the sound of pounding footsteps and an accelerated heartbeat is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. my mind races and my head spins as i think of all the ways we could co-exist. i learn a lot more about you when i stay quiet. people will say anything in front of you as long as it seems like you're not listening. ipod headphones plus the pause button equals my favorite way to get the inside scoop. i don't remember what started me on this tangent.
the next time i see you, i will take a chance and make progress. maybe the things i dream for us can be a reality. and even if they can't come true, i'd be happy to at least say i know you.
i'm in love with truth at the moment. tell me something, tell me anything, as long as it's true. also tell me what a douchebag i am for being hung up on a(nother) boy. at least comment with something...sidekick updates hurt my thumbs / wrist. not that i expext you to care.
he was *this close* to asking me to hang out with him. after class i ran into him on my way to the parking lot and he was like "what are you doing right now?" and i had to go to workkkkkk. but i really wanted to just be able to say "hanging out with you" because hello he's a cool guy. and work wasn't even really worth it. i made like six bucks in cash. woohoo. my dad in a random burst of niceness took my car without me knowing and filled up my gas tank which was wonderfully amazing of him because my six bucks was not going to buy me enough gas to get me to rocklin tomorrow. i'm stoked for tomorrow because we're playing a game and because johnny look alike makes my afternoons worthwhile. anyway. i love "college." i love all the new people i've met lately. i've had random conversations with so many people, it's fucking sweet.
um hello acoustic sugarcult set slash meet and greet at rasputin before the show? HOW FUCKING RAD IS THAT OH MY GOD?! we are going. i will drive myself if you guys don't want to go because i would not miss this for the world.
blahhh. i'm tired. i think i'm going to sign off but i know i'll probably end up sidekicking it up. oh and note to stupid people? let's not pick fights with me while i'm on that thing because it's hard to angrily text message with my thumbs, okay? be a dick in real life so i can kick your ass, don't give me your shit over a four inch screen.
that reminds me of math class today. we were talking about some statistics report and this girl was like "come on, no girls play video games. do any girls in here play video games?" and i totally threw up my hand and yelled "i do!" and she gave me a dirty look but some of the guys snickered so that was cool. but wtf? girls can't play video games? you're in college, don't you have something more mature to argue about? it's not like spyro the dragon is my sole reason to live, but what's wrong with video games? what a douche bag.
anyway. i'm rambling (again). oh and i somehow snagged a 20 dollar set of book things from staples for six dollars because i'm awesome. ask me later when i feel like typing it, it seemed like a neat story at the time.
the auburn starbucks makes the best ptl's, i'm pretty sure. but that kid named matt at the one next to raley's is gorgeous so that's always my morning stop. fuck, i'm such an addict. for hot guys and passion tea lemonades. damn it.
anyway again. have i mentioned i'm excited to see johnny look alike kid? because i fucking am.
the season premiere of house was so good, oh my god. it totally made me cry, but you know, that's not too far out of the ordinary.
today the kid in my creative writing class that looks like (dead) johnny from the oc sat at the table next to me and we worked together on a story and it was pretty much the best thing ever. he's really cute and let's just have a big fat eeeeeeeek(!) for him in general.
soccer is amazing. it was a billion degrees today and i definitely got sunburned but oh well. i love everyone in my class. they make me laugh. today we did these trust excerise drill things. they weren't really trust exercises so to speak, more like half the kids are in push up position and stuff and you dribble the ball under them and jump over their feet. repeat in different positions and you've got what i'm trying to explain. it was crazy madness and i liked it, even though i hit a few people and a few people hit me. it's all good. we have our first in class gameness going on thursday, that'll be rad. everything comes together in a game, rather than just the drills. god i missed this.
i feel alive again. i'm avoiding homework which is badbadbad but oh freaking well. i am exhausted. stayed up sobbing over that one god forsaken episode of the oc last night. rocked my all time low cd all the way to rocklin and back. traffic right outside of campus sucks ass and it takes about five songs to get from the parking lot to the freeway. ridiculous, considering the freeway on ramp can't be more than a mile away.
i need to get gas. i'm so broke right now. i need to work. tomorrow should be great. not. full moon + wednesday customers of death + maggie? no thanks. sugarcult in eight days. fuck yes, i love them. then all time low & october fall on the 30th. stoked out of my mind for that too. i heart shows.
i cannot believe it's september already. seriously, all my set in stone plans for summer '06 have been x'd off. and now we're almost into fall. how bizarre is time? i don't like time because i can't control it. i'm just a silly clock, playing silly clock games! no but time is actually something i find insane. thinking about it weirds me out because i myself am weird like that.
this man's voice is unbelievable. i've been addicted to this song lately, more so than usual. i found this random acoustic version of it on youtube and i have yet to embed something in here so there we go?
I just bought that, except in orange. I found my passion again. And as much as I love my Sidekick, I'd trade it for a soccer ball any day. The class is cool, too. There are about twenty hot guys and five girls. Skill wise, I'd say only two of the girls would be any competition to me, and that's because I haven't played since freshman year. I swear there is nothing better than being out on that field again. Love.
All right season finale of The OC season one, I'm ready for you. Bring on the tears.
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